How the Software Industry Works

Programmer to Team Leader

"We can not do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system.  Also, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take on this type of project!"

Team Leader to Project Manager

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff with experience in this kind of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to First-Level Manager

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we would need more time than usual to complete it."

First-Level Manager to Senior Level Manager

"This project involves design reengineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language, so they can train other people. In my personal opinion, we should take this project, but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully.  Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."

How to Get Rid of Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
   filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever
   pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed
   before my bankruptcy?"
   


2. If they start out with, "How are you today?"
   say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can
   say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
   to care these days and I have all these problems, my
   sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
   just died...." When they try to get back to the
   sales process, just continue on with telling about
   your problems.
   


3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company,
   ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the
   company name, then ask where it is located. Continue
   asking personal questions or questions about the company
   for as long as necessary.
   


4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer:
   "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel
   services.... You: "Hang on a second." (pause
   a few seconds, and then say in a really husky voice)
   "Okay, what are you wearing?"
   


5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
   surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't
   believe it! Judy, how have you been?"  Hopefully, this will give Judy a few
   brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out
   how the heck she could know you.



6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary
   the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as
   they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you
   can keep going until they hang up.
   


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
   Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice
   as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
   you be my friend?"
   


8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? You
   can? Well, how about goat blood? Chicken blood? Human
   blood too?"
   


9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal
   but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional
   "Uh-huh, really," or, "That's fascinating."
   Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry
   you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you
   couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's
   a complete stranger.
   


10. Tell
    them you work for the same company they work for.
    Example:
    Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
    You: "Watertronics!! 
    Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
    from?"  Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
    You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the
    weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
    to employees! Oh well, see ya."
    


11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their
    phone number you will call them back. If they say they are
    not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their
    home number and tell them you will call them at home (this
    is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).
    If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get
    a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel."  (smiling, of course...)

Computer Enhancers

Dozens of improvements to, totally meaningless, or humorous (intentional and otherwise), computer messages.